When Mann Co runs out of money, how will our favorite group of crazed men survive? Why, by getting REAL jobs, of course!
“Attention! I want all men to my personal office at once! This is an emergency! RUN, FOOLS, RUN!”
There was a crazed clatter of boots and various weapons as the men of Mann Co grabbed their weapons, heading out of their rooms and racing off towards Saxton Hale’s office.
“Out of way, little man-babies!” Heavy roared, thundering past like a raging bull and nearly flattening Sniper as he ran.
“I’ll have you court-marshaled for that, sir!” Soldier shouted, and both men paused in the hallway. “I am a superior officer!”
“Superior at being stupid!” Heavy retorted, but before they could get into a fight, they were halted by Spy. “Gentlemen,” he said, puffing lightly on his cigarette as he contemplated his next words. “We do not have time to argue like petty children. We have received summons to Hale’s office, and therefore, we must go with all due haste.”
Heavy and Soldier stared at him for a moment, then they all ran together towards Hale’s room, with Spy trying to ignore the subtle punches, slaps and pinches that the two were now giving each other.
Once everyone had squeezed into Saxton’s lounge, silence reigned. Their leader, Saxton Hale, stood with his back to them, staring up at a picture of Mann Co’s previous owner. He was a tall man, wearing khaki shorts, thick boots, and no shirt, which was perfect for showing off the spectacular patch of Australia-shaped hair on his chest. “Boys,” he said softly, giving his mustache a slight twist as he turned to begin pacing back and forth in front of them. “We have a situation.”
“Ah know!” Demoman called from the back, patting his grenade launcher. “Ah gots me buddy right here! We’re ready for combat!”
Everyone seemed to perk up at that, and they readied their weapons.
“So, uh, who are we fightin’?” Scout said eagerly, brandishing his bat with a flourish.
Hale was quiet for a moment, then he said “Put away your weapons, boys. Mann Co is shutting down.”
Heavy blinked incredulously at the man in front of him, then roared with laughter, putting his gun down for a moment in order to slap himself on the knee. “Dat is good one!” he chortled, wiping tears from his eyes. “Now, where is little mans for us to fight?”
“You heard me,” Hale said, turning about-face. “Mann Co is being shut down. We’re kaput, finished, over, done with.”
“But why?!” Scout called, and his question was echoed eight-fold.
“It appears that we’ve run out of money,” Hale mused, scratching his chin absently. “I have no idea how it could’ve happened…”
“It wouldn’t have anything to do with that gigantic statue outside, eh?” Sniper commented, glancing out the window. He was immediately crushed against the wall during the mad rush to see out the window.
“What in tarnation is THAT?” Engineer said, tilting his hardhat back a bit in order to see better.
It was a huge golden statue of Saxton Hale, complete with the patch of chest hair shaped like Australia.
“Ah! That,” Hale said proudly, puffing out his chest. “I had a solid gold, 500-foot statue made of myself!”
Nobody said anything.
“I can tell you’re all so thrilled that speech has left you,” he said with a grin.
“You have blown this company’s money on a gold replica of yourself?!” Spy shouted. “Incroyable! T'es un imbécile!”
“Yes, I am amazing, I know,” Hale said solemnly, then raised his voice with “But yes, it appears that my statue has cost us all the money in the vaults. This means, my dear boys…that you all must go get jobs.”
“How do you expect us to get jobs?” Medic said, frowning through his glasses. “Vhat vill we do?”
“I don’t know,” Hale said honestly, bending to pick up a bag. “I’m going to live with the whales in the ocean for a few months. See you boys around! And I’m serious about those jobs.” He saluted, then turned and jumped out the window, busting right through the glass. He landed on his feet on the ground below, racing off at top speed.
The mercenaries all looked at each other, then Demoman said “Well, Ah’m off to die now. See ya’ll in the afta’life.” Before he could move off, however, Sniper grabbed his shoulder. “Now hold up here, blokes,” he said, frowning. “We got jobs to go find now. Might’swell give it a fair swing, eh? I’ll be daft ‘fore I let ‘em take me without a fight.”
“You say fight?” Heavy rumbled, his beady eyes gleaming.
“Not that kinda fight, mate,” Sniper said. “I mean, we gotta give it our all, yea? I dunno ‘bout you blokes, but I’m going to get me a job.” And he walked out of the room.
Everyone stared at each other, then slowly followed after him, shedding their Mann Co gear as they walked. A new life was waiting for them…but would they be any good at it?